The Phrases shared by A Parent That Helped Us when I became a First-Time Father
"I believe I was merely in survival mode for twelve months."
Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the difficulties of fatherhood.
Yet the actual experience rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.
Serious health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into becoming her chief support in addition to taking care of their newborn son Leo.
"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.
After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a talk with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.
The straightforward words "You aren't in a good spot. You must get assistance. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and start recovering.
His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on mums and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles dads encounter.
Asking for help is not weak to request support'
Ryan feels his challenges are part of a larger reluctance to open up amongst men, who still internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.
Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and remains standing every time."
"It isn't a sign of being weak to ask for help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies.
Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, says men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.
They can feel they are "not justified to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the unit.
Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a break - going on a couple of days away, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.
He realised he required a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.
When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.
Self-parenting
That realisation has changed how Ryan views parenthood.
He's now writing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he grows up.
Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.
The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four.
During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection.
Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad choices" when in his youth to alter how he felt, turning in substance use as escapism from the pain.
"You gravitate to substances that aren't helpful," he notes. "They can short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."
Advice for Getting By as a New Dad
- Open up to someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a family member, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
- Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that made you feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
- Don't ignore the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and if you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is coping.
- Connect with other new dads - sharing their stories, the difficult parts, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
- Remember that asking for help is not failure - prioritising your own well-being is the best way you can support your household.
When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for many years.
As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the security and emotional support he missed out on.
When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the emotions safely.
Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their pain, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.
"I'm better… dealing with things and handling things," says Stephen.
"I expressed that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, at times I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I am understanding just as much as you are on this path."
